This weekend is another Mago weekend because his mother MonsterBi is going away, miles away, to see one of her other children. She does this quite often, especially on the weekends she has Mago. I believe he’s better off at the group home in which he lives since that is his home and his stuff is there and they also have people who can handle his massive and annoying aggressions, obsessiveness, erratic mood swings, and compulsive behaviors. His maternal grandmother is worse than Monsterbi.
The last year was horrendously annoying. And today I wish I could muster the anger I felt the other day when I was taking all the anger out on the dishes as I slammed them into the cupboards and drawers. Maybe I’m getting better at handling it or I know the anger isn’t any good unless it is anger that produces a change or pushes me to do something better for myself. I abhor the resigned temperament that fell upon me.
Perhaps I’m still in the midst of joy over the new grandson and being a first time granny. Which is for another blog and another day.
Monsterbi (which really stands for monster bitch) is negligent, insecure, and argumentative. She thinks she’s hot, she always diets and exercises and she took diet pills when she was pregnant with her son, who is now severely aggressively handicapped and I’m the one who ends up paying for her infidelity and her spendy habits among other despicable characteristics. And I also pay for her fun times by having her Mago. I love the dad and hate being with the son, so where to go from here and what to do. I’ve been with him so long and in the beginning I had more space, now living in 700 square feet and he has retired, so it is easier to take the brat, it’s been harder.
It’s all part my fault and mostly his for not having more foresight. Anyway, it’s his way or the highway, so basically, I’m rambling on to try to decide what to do.
A few weeks ago, I was looking for a new place, then some things happened with the incoming amount of money for me and the idea my job could be at risk at the moment, and then on top of that, the cute grandson that lifted my spirits and even brought joy to Mago’s dad. Monsterbi and MegaMonsterbi would get mad when Mago’s dad’s grandkids called me grandma. They would yell at me and the kids and tell them I’m not blood. I’m not that way, I told BabyJJ that this was his grandpa because he is, so now, do I stay because of BabyJJ or do I leave before BabyJJ has time to get attached.
Questions, Why do we never get an answer when we’re knocking at the door…It’s not the way you do the things you do the things you do, it’s more the way mean it… My ADD just kicked in.
What do I do, well, if I knew the money would work out, would I go? If I knew I could have the other part of the house that is rented out, would I choose to stay? If he asked me to marry him, would I do it now? I can imagine setting up my own house and the sun streaming in the windows as I’m putting things away and waking to have a cup of quiet in the silence of my own noisy brain and the peaceful sunshine.
Voices outside and inside my head tell me to leave and then there are the things that tell me to go. What do I do? No one has the answer but me and even at the moment, I don’t. I’m so torn. The three things I can’t stand in this relationship is Mago, Monsterbi, and MegaMonsterbi and they won’t go away until they die.